Kay Smythe


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Wednesday, July 24

John Boehner: The King of Big Cannabis and Sad Old White Man

John Boehner’s interview with Axios journalist Felix Salmon cast a horrifying and prophetic shadow over the ever darkening skies of the cannabis industry. He creatures into the room, slithering like only a true Reaganite can, doting upon his twin busts of the Jelly Bean Man. A murmur of precious is rumored to echo from Boehner’s offices during daylight hours, but to Salmon’s he’s just Boehner’s Ol’ Buddy, Reagan…

Who is John Boehner?

According to his Wikipedia page, where his shocking over-edited headshot as the 53rd Speaker of the House bores into your soul as you read, John Andrew Boehner has lived in America’s House since just about forever. He is also part of the third largest lobbying firm in the US, and a board member of the second largest tobacco firm. Not wishing to give Ol’ Buddy Boehner any more clicks to his personal online presence, the rest of his Wikipedia reads much like any career politician in American today: long, arduous, half-true at best, and boring as shit. 

The only interesting thing about Boehner is that he’s an old white man in a suit who supports cannabis… but only now that he’s figured out how to make money with it.  

The purpose of these essays is to shed light on topics using particular metrics related to themes of (a) community bridging, (b) promotion of human evolution (does it move humanity forward?), (c) is it intelligent? (d) is it necessary? Each of these metrics are relative to the thing being discussed, and to where they fall within the scope of human society at that point in time. 

At this point in time, John Boehner is fucking useless. Here’s why: 

Boehner is a true politician in the most modern sense. Like Biden, his democratic counterpart, he speaks before he fully comprehends how his words fall onto the lives of others. Straight out of the gate, Salmon, who is adorably British and unadulteratedly unbiased in his body language, shoves Boehner with his political history of opposition to cannabis legalization. This is immediately followed by a question over what harm has come as a result of Boehner’s ignorance to cannabis legalization during his political career.

Without missing a beat, Boehner physically fumbles as the accusation hits him like a false perception of friendly fire. Still, he manages to defend himself blindly, “I don’t know if there’s any harm that’s been done.” 

If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably found the article under a handful of search terms related to either cannabis, social science and cannabis, John Boehner and cannabis, or me, the author, who is very well known for writing about cannabis. You likely had to turn on a phone or computer, at least the screen, in order to get to this article. Therefore, it’s safe to assume that you are able to comprehend your own existence and those around you, so you’re probably aware that cannabis legalization and prohibition have both been wholly disproportionate against minorities and the working classes, globally, always.

The rest of the interview leads like an awkward back and fore between absolutely every single Baby Boomer, but that’s not the important part. The most important elements of the interview are Boehner’s open reference to cannabis as “the industry,” and his blatant disregard for racial injustice and inequality in America.  

He is a White man in a suit with absolutely no comprehension of his power, because he has never had to suffer the consequences of his blind ignorance. He passes the blame down to the states for the post-apocalypse of race relations to the cannabis industry, the catalyst of bullshit being the government not legalizing it and making it easy for people to do their fucking jobs. Oh, and he doesn’t answer the question about harm done to African Americans. He does not answer it. 

“That was under a different set of rules, at a different time…” 

Boehner lightly alludes to his incapacity for free thought, but insists upon dragging the American public down with him, using the age old get-out-of-jail free card that his voter base changed their mind. For the record - he’s a Republican from Ohio, where cannabis is illegal for recreational use but decriminalized for possession. It’s still a misdemeanor amount, which, by the way, is an even more bullshit law than Europe’s decriminalization laws. So no, your voter base hasn’t changed it’s mind Mr. Former House Overlord. 

It was money. Clean and simple. Boehner saw where the money was headed, and followed. What he failed to comprehend, along with the majority of Baby Boomers I’ve met, is that the cannabis industry - similarly to other major emerging fields, like eSports, and Podcasting - is the young and the reckless’s domain. 

Unlike Big Business, cannabis is not a new industry, and there are huge amounts of voter-aged racial minorities that have had their lives obliterated by the explicit racial biases of narcotic law enforcement, and the unconscious racial biases of the White ruling class in legalized states. These people are speaking up to their Industry, as he so lovingly put it. 

How disgustingly stupid do you have to be to work with a prop-up a man who is clearly as invested in cannabis as Donald Trump was in being President? Do these businesses have no idea what they’re setting themselves up for? He may not be the President, but he holds the same social capital. 

When asked about where the future of cannabis leaves a formerly incarcerated African American who’s trying to reclaim his industry, as it is rightfully his, or hers, Boehner out-right states that it is hard for African Americans to get access to capital. So entrenched is the notion that the poor will go on being poor, and the wealthy will grow to colonize Mars, that Boehner has forgotten to pay attention to the millions of people who will get to change the course of history next year, and have been doing so already. His era has come and passed him by, and he’ll be retired before he embarrasses himself and his colleagues and the Industry he loves so hungrily. 

“Once there’s legalization of some sort, on the side of the federal government, tens of billions of dollars rolls into this industry over night…”

This is not a man who cares about the future of society as we see it. He is a crafty opportunist with moral flexibility of a hooker with a gun to his head. It is the Boehner’s of the world that spell doom for cannabis as they look to monopolize and squash the little guy, and grow wealth inequality even greater in the United States, likely capitalizing on our health needs. It’s the same story all over again. 

However, there is hope. A wave of moderates and progressives are sweeping the nation. Perhaps Boehner’s buddies throughout cannabis realize that the future of the planet is no longer in the hands of washed up blood-suckers like Boehner. Unfortunately, the Former Speaker is probably better off peddling his wares in Great Britain, which is turning into a fascist twattery apocalypse. 

If you’re looking for a boogeyman to scare your children at night, show them Boehner’s official portrait as Speaker. 

If you’re looking for the nightmare in cannabis inequality, then jump on this guy’s bandwagon. 

If you’re in a state where it’s legal to do so, put money on Boehner’s Big Tobacco firm rolling out strains the minute the Feds legalize it. If this isn’t the filth of yesteryear rearing it’s hideously racist, ignorant, biased, and venomous head once again, then we’re already dead. 

If you’ve read this far then go out and take action. Speak with your vote; pick local and regional candidates that support small businesses, cannabis inclusion, and the right to end the monopoly of industries we have long depended upon. The time for Big Business was short lived, and we need it out of our spliffs. is looking to expand it’s Creator platform, and we’re looking for active people in the cannabis industry who want their voice, businesses, and purpose to be heard. Click here to sign up for your user profile. 

In Summary: 
  • No, John Boehner will not use cannabis to bridge communities. 
  • No, John Boehner does not promote or further humanity; he is the BigMac personified: bits of plastic and shit and lies and fingernails pretending to be sustenance.
  • No; he was intelligent back when the Baby Boomers were on top, but it’s time to retire racial bias grandpa, even if he’s learned to vape: he’s still a racist.
  • Yes, it is necessary to have people like John Boehner in existence; they give us someone to remind us of how far we’ve come, and who doesn’t love the feeling or moral superiority? 
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